Feelings as Guests
Our thoughts and feelings are temporary. Our perceptions and beliefs are not facts. However our thoughts, emotions, beliefs, and perceptions highly impact how we interact with the world around us, as well as within. So one of the analogies I enjoy sharing with clients is in imagining a house, and we are the owners of that home. We can then visualize our thoughts and feelings as guests. Some may come and go, and some may stay - whether they are welcomed or not.
Being the owner of this home, you have the control to allow feelings and thoughts in, or to keep them out (as best to your ability). When we do not process or explore a feeling, “pesky guests” will linger outside of your home or knock at the door often. They might be the guest that tries to get your attention through the window making hand signals! (I mean imagine that for a moment, it can be quite humorous in my mind.) These guests are the feelings that may be labeled as uncomfortable, undesired, or unaccepted - the ones that you have not welcomed in.
Photo by cottonbro studio from Pexels: https://www.pexels.com/photo/man-standing-near-the-window-and-house-plant-6263028/
Have you ever just wanted to “wish away” a feeling? Maybe BECAUSE it was uncomfortable, or even painful to encounter. What if I told you that feeling is a frequent visitor because it has a need that has not been met? When you tune into yourself, and get to know that feeling - you learn its needs and the message it is trying to send you. Let me start with a simple example: if someone was walking in the woods and begins to hear growling from an unseen animal, they may experience heightened senses and feel frightened - that fear starts to send signals in their body to prepare them to fight or run. In this example that fear was sending a message that they could be unsafe and should be on alert to protect themselves.
Let's walk through another example. If someone just left a conversation where they did not get to share their input, they may feel defeated, frustrated, disappointed, you name it. This person’s feelings might be cuing them on a variety of needs:
- to feel heard
- to be validated and respected
- a desire to be included
- a passion to share their creativity or a solution to a problem being faced
This analogy can help ease the discomfort in “feeling your feelings” (or confronting your thoughts). When we view feelings as guests, and they knock - we have this wonderful opportunity to answer the door! As a reminder, you are the owner of this home. You can speak with this visitor at the door, or you can invite them in and sit with them. Either option - this feeling (your visitor) can be heard and seen.
Infographic created on Canva by Amber, LPC
So, how might we greet and better understand these visitors? How might you do so if someone you were unfamiliar with knocked at your door? You may ask their name or association and wait to hear why they are there. Similarly, you can use this approach with your feelings. Give this guest a name, or let it introduce itself to you. Become familiar with how this guest appears: is the guest big and loud? Is the guest quiet and hard to hear? Might they appear frightening? Or may they look fun and engaged? Anger, excitement, hurt, worry, and curiosity might be their names. But they can also be silly names like Susan, or ziggy? You are welcome to be as creative or serious as you want through this process. Remember, unfamiliar guests can be uncomfortable to meet.
Some visitors are trying to “sell you something”, like vendors and solicitors out in the world. When this is the case, these frequent visitors can be confronted or challenged. When you begin to notice your responses being more emotionally driven or even irrational - check in with those thoughts and feelings and check them to the facts. This is a helpful tool to use when challenging thoughts that are impacting your perception of a situation. Acknowledge that this feeling or thought may present enticing information that may not be necessary. You can treat this guest kindly at the door and note to them that you are not interested in what they are trying to “sell” you. Let’s give it a try: name the emotion (for example “anxiousness”), notice the message (for example “that person is mad at me”), now kindly state you are not interested (for example: “Hey anxiousness, thanks for looking out for me - but I do not believe that person is upset with me. My friend has been very busy and I know they will get the opportunity to reach out when they can. Maybe I will give them a call another time.”). This tool can help separate our self from our thoughts and feelings.
What’s next? Once you become aware of a new guest, you can decide if it is the best time to invite them in, or ask them to leave for now. Just know if you dismiss them, they may hang around. There can be benefits to doing this too, it is not always an act of denial or “sweeping things under the rug” (or in this case, “on to the curb”). Asking a guest to visit another time can help when it is not the appropriate time to explore an uncomfortable emotion. Just be certain that you take time to call that emotion back to prevent it from becoming an untimely visitor again.
When you do invite this feeling in, and know its name, you may ask why they are there? What need has not been met? Defining the needs we have can vary depending on who you’re talking to - however, I like to take the approach that each individual is fully capable of knowing their needs when we sit and reflect. Some psychologists theorize what our needs are, like Maslow who stated there are physiological needs, safety needs, social needs, esteem needs, and self-actualization (or self-fulfillment) needs. William Glasser, who developed Choice Theory, believed the five basic human needs include: survival, belonging, power, freedom, and fun. Understanding your needs can help you begin to explore with your visitors.
Once you identify the message and need that visitor is bringing to your attention, you can then determine how to fulfill and meet this need. This can be done through making changes in your routines or habits, and can also include communicating these needs with others if that is the case. Communicating a need with others can be difficult, so I will expand on ways to do this in another blog post. But to start I like to teach the DEARMAN tool from Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) skills when working with clients.
To wrap up, using this analogy can aid in developing a relationship with your emotions and thoughts. When we choose to frame the self as a separate entity from the thoughts and emotions we experience, we are practicing self-awareness and whole-brain integration. We can also unlink ourself from the association that we are: “anxious”, “depressed”, “angry”, “crazy”, the list can go on. Rather than us “being” the emotions and thoughts we have, we can invite or dismiss them. So start to know when you may have anger visiting, or sadness creeping up your driveway. You are empowered to invite these guests, turn away your guests, and even let them know they may have over welcomed their stay. When you notice emotions and thoughts start unpacking their bags - remember it is up to you to say they do not live there! Create your home to be a welcoming one with healthy boundaries, and know these amazing opportunities to get to know your feelings and thoughts can only improve how you engage with the world around you, as well as yourself.
Thank you! Sending peace and joy, Amber.